Sometime this morning, during your shower or at work, you
probably did a mental run-through of your day.
You decided when you'd tackle various tasks and errands.
Perhaps you vowed to hit the gym at lunchtime.
Maybe you plotted to get out of something (apologies, PTA
meeting).
The one thing you forgot to plan for: happiness.
With all the books on bliss and the
mood-boosting technology that does everything for us but laugh, we expect
happiness to show up on our doorstep, like a pizza.
But we have to make it happen.
"When you're young, other people
orchestrate your enjoyment of life," notes Barbara Fredrickson, PhD, a
social psychologist, director of the Positive Emotions and Psychophysiology Lab
at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and author of Positivity. "Your parents keep you
entertained, and in college your friends make sure you're OK. But after that,
the scaffolding of having a good day is taken away, and nobody is telling you
how to provide that for yourself."
Also tricky: keeping the glee going when you
have work to do, kids to raise, bills to pay and more work to do.
Mercifully, big, costly, splashy events are not the ultimate
bliss bringers.
As people get older, they tend to find ordinary treats—such
as a latte or a manicure—just as joy-inducing as extraordinary ones like an
around-the-world cruise, found a 2014 study by researchers at Dartmouth and the
University of Pennsylvania.
With age, the authors speculate, we're more aware of how
fleeting time is, so we're particularly likely to relish everyday bright spots.
What you won't find here: a step-by-step
happiness guide.
How draining would that be? Instead, we tapped top positive
psychologists for easy ways to infuse your days with more pleasure.
Consider this a pick-and-choose list; even doing just a few
will help. Ready for more joy? Plan on it!
1. First
up: Make it your goal
Although increasing happiness levels shouldn't
feel like work, having a can-do mind-set really comes in handy.
In a study published in The
Journal of Positive Psychology, people
who were told to listen to music and attempt to feel happier had a greater
boost in bliss over a two-week period than those instructed only to relax as
they listened to the same upbeat tunes.
It comes down to motivation:
You can transform into more of a glass-half-full type.
While researchers believe that genetics are
behind about 50 percent of the variation in happiness levels among you and your
neighbors and that life circumstances account for maybe 10 percent, you're
fully in charge of the rest. "A lot of people think you can't control
happiness—you either have it or you don't—which is totally not true," stresses
Sonja Lyubomirsky, PhD, professor of psychology at University of California,
Riverside, and author of The
Myths of Happiness. "It's
like controlling your health. First you need to believe that you can do it
before you take those first steps."
2. Know
your own bliss
When was the last time you mulled over what
truly brings you pleasure, aside from biggies like your partner and the kids?
"A key to
steering your own happiness is reflecting on the things that make you come
alive," Fredrickson says. Perhaps it's been so long since you've done some
of them that they've fallen off your radar.
Make a list, if it helps. "Think back to what gave you
joy in your younger years," says psychiatrist Stuart Brown, MD, founder of
the National Institute for Play in Carmel Valley, Calif., and author of Play.
Maybe you're not jamming on a guitar in your bedroom anymore,
but "you can recall the carefree state," Dr. Brown says, "in
which the outcome wasn't as important as what you were experiencing." You
want to find what does that for you now and...
3. Prioritize
it
Sigh if this sounds familiar: You make a major
effort to avoid future stress—say,
staying up late to finish laundry so tomorrow will be a better day—only to suck
your evening dry of all fun.
Happiness researcher Robert Biswas-Diener, PhD, founder and
managing director of the consulting firm Positive Acorn in Milwaukie, Ore.,
knows this treadmill effect well. He delivers a lecture regularly at Portland
State University: "I give the students an hour off and tell them to do
anything they want that's legal that will make them happy. Some have a hard
time with it—they even do homework! What they say is, 'I'd be stressed if I didn't get that task done.' People think that
working toward less stress will make them happier. That's a minor form of
insanity."
In a get-stuff-done world, it's hard to avoid
our efficiency instinct. The answer, then, is to focus on enjoyable stuff,
along with the must-dos. "Don't fit joyful activities into your days—fit
your days around them," Biswas-Diener urges. "Do you ever hear
devoted church attendees say, 'Can we reschedule church because something came
up?'
You need to have that church mentality about whatever it is
that gives you pleasure.
If you say that your weeks are full, find the next blank spot
in your calendar." Protect that sacred time from "nibblers"
(otherwise known as your family), adds productivity consultant Julie
Morgenstern, author of Time
Management from the Inside Out: "Announce
to everyone that it's your time to recharge your batteries." Tap a friend
to make sure you use that time strictly for fun.
4. Smell the shower
gel
The act of savoring—mining pleasant moments for
their joy—is a proven happiness booster. In one study published in The Journal of Positive Psychology, 101 men and women kept diaries for a
month, recording positive activities they participated in and how much they did
or didn't savor them.
Those who tended to enjoy a good thing—and share their
delight with others—maintained high levels of happiness no matter what the day
brought, whereas non appreciators needed positive events to get into a good
mood.
Savoring is a no-brainer—just tune in to your senses. Inhale
that pinot grigio, feel the soft rug under your bare feet. "I leave a
little time in the morning to savor my showers," Lyubomirsky says. "I
go out of my way to buy gels with the best scents."
You can even find ways to relish tasks; try running YouTube
as you delete junk email. (Why hasn't anyone yet studied the happiness powers
of panda videos?!)
5. Ration
your time
Gold, natural gas and your attention: They're
all scarce resources. Allocate wisely so you can max out time for pleasure,
recommends Paul Dolan, PhD, in his new book Happiness
By Design. "Every tweet,
text or email distracts us from the good experiences and people in our
lives," he says.
Some research shows that heavy social media users are less
merry than others.
One study published in the scientific journal Plos One found that the more people went on
Facebook, the more their life satisfaction levels declined. (Click: dis-like.)
Experts widely recommend electronic time-outs;
shut off your phone for a couple of hours a night or do email-free Saturdays or
Sundays.
You also want to dump any activity that "should"
make you happy but in reality doesn't, like the book club that picks crappy
reads or an overly earnest yoga class. It's hard to walk away, Dolan
acknowledges, "but you probably haven't regretted breaking joyless
commitments in the past. Remember: Lost happiness is lost forever."
6. Think
perky thoughts
On those days when you barely have time to
breathe, recall something that made you happy and you can get a boost.
In one study from Michigan State University, bus drivers who
smiled as a result of thinking about a positive event, such as a child's
recital, were in more upbeat moods than workers who fake-smiled.
Science suggests that a full, genuine grin—one that involves
facial muscles around the eyes—sparks a change in brain activity related to a
good mood. So, yep: Say cheese.
7. Buy
some happy
As any woman who has ever bought a trendy,
overpriced accessory knows, the kick we get out of purchases wears off fast.
However, spending on experiences (like tickets to a Broadway
show) rather than things (another black sweater) creates lasting
contentment—with one new caveat.
A study co-authored by Ryan T. Howell, PhD, associate
professor at San Francisco State University and director of its Personality and
Well-Being Lab, found that people fail to get pleasure from objects or
experiences if they're acquiring them mainly for bragging rights.
That is, if you're more of a local-Thai-restaurant person and
you plan a 40th-birthday blowout at Le Fancy Schmancy Bistro, you may get
admiration on Facebook but miss out on feeling personal delight.
8. Play
around in love
If the words Honey,
take out the trash! are your idea
of foreplay,
you know that running our domestic lives sometimes saps the fun out of
relationships. "Playfulness energizes both of you and gets your brains in
sync," says Vagdevi Meunier, PsyD, a relationship therapist certified by
the Gottman Institute in Seattle and founder of The Center for Relationships in
Austin, Texas. "It also lightens the vibe of a relationship and helps us
manage the business of our lives—otherwise it's too much about dishes and
bills."
She likes to tell couples she works with, "I can help
you fight better, but that's not nearly as effective as if I help you play better."
One recent suggestion to busy parents of three: Zap each other more playful
texts. "They'd send links to funny sites. Or he would text her at work,
suggesting she imagine him naked," Meunier says. "The couple started
looking forward to coming home instead of being grumpy. And they'd talk about
the texts."
9. Have
a bad-day backup plan
You have backup in case your electricity goes
out, even if it's just a stockpile of flashlights.
Time to come up with one in case your mood fails.
Michele Phillips, a performance coach in Piermont, N.Y., and author of Happiness Is a Habit, has a group of friends who've dubbed
themselves the Village. "I can call them anytime my day is going badly,
and they will change my frame of mind," she says.
She recalls sitting in a bar in Colorado after her divorce,
feeling lonely and, she says, "like I had loser written on my forehead."
She called a Village friend, "and she said, 'Look
around: You're in Vail, skiing!' She helped me shift the thinking from 'poor
me' to 'lucky me.'"
10. Find purpose in
pleasure
For total happiness, you need a mix of
activities that give you joy and a sense of meaning, what Dolan calls the
pleasure-purpose principle. "If happiness were only about pleasure, what
would be the point of having kids or helping others?" he says. "To be
truly happy, we need feelings of purpose, too."
Think volunteer work or taking a cooking class. The positive
feelings that come from these sorts of activities can help train the brain's
neurons to overcome its negativity bias.
As neuropsychologist Rick Hanson, PhD, explains in his book Hardwiring Happiness, the brain is all too good at
remembering adverse experiences, which he traces to ancestors who had to focus
on threats like predators in order to survive.
But when you rack up feel-good experiences that give you a
sense of achievement, they can serve as a buffer against the disappointing
ones.
11. Think
less "me" time, more "we" time
Truly sunny people have one thing in common, and it's got
nothing to do with their paychecks, IQs or gender, Biswas-Diener says: They
have plenty of good social relationships.
These include interactions that psychologists refer to as
social snacking—little ways of connecting with other human beings, including
strangers.
In one 2014 study by Nicholas Epley, PhD, professor of behavioral
science at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business and author of Mindwise: How We Understand What
Others Think, Believe, Feel and Want, participants heading to work by train
either refrained from engaging with fellow passengers or made conversation.
Chatty commuters—both introverts and extroverts
alike—reported having the most pleasant commute. In another recent study
co-authored by Elizabeth Dunn, PhD, at the University of British Columbia,
people kept a running tab of social interactions with folks with whom they had
either a strong or weak tie.
Regardless of the type of person they connected with, they
consistently felt more chipper on days when they mingled.
Yes, camaraderie is comforting—that feeling that
we're all in this crazy world together. "But when you talk with strangers,
there's also the pleasant surprise of finding stuff in common and sometimes the
exhilaration of their opening up your world when they tell you something
interesting you didn't know," Epley says.
Surprisingly, having conversations with new people can even
keep things upbeat at home.
As Dunn puts it, "Trying to be pleasant and cheerful
ends up improving your mood in ways you can't foresee."
12. Go
off the grid
Weekend getaways continue to trend; cruise lines
are even creating shorter jaunts for time-crunched travelers.
And yet for deeper joy, you can't beat a long trip. "One
of the biggest deterrents to happiness is that we adapt to our situations—you
buy your house and it has a beautiful view, but at some point you stop deriving
pleasure from it," Howell says. When you take only a quick journey, the
elation spike is brief.
How high you go! How quickly you return to reality! An
extended vacation—even
to somewhere familiar like a beach town three hours away from home—may create
more impactful, lasting memories.
And having a bank of them to tap into can add to happiness,
research shows.
So try to budget for a two-week trip.
Even just planning gives you a boost: One study from the
Netherlands indicated that the bliss of a trip can start months before it
begins, owing to the anticipation.
13. Be
nicer
Nobody is calling you evil, but committing to a
few do-good gestures a day can increase your general level of contentment.
"I've found that when people are told to try to do three
to five acts of kindness a week, they get happier," Lyubomirsky reports.
"It does not have to be a grand gesture, given that women are already
doing so much care giving.
At the store, let someone get in line ahead of you. Give a
compliment. Smile at someone." Or simply do something thoughtful for your
significant other, she continues: "We just finished a study in which we
asked someone to choose a person in her life to make happier, like her husband,
three times a week. It also made the giver significantly happier."
14. Make
Sunday future-fun day
One enjoyable thing you should do every weekend:
Make plans for the next one. "The anticipation powers you through the
workweek," Morgenstern says.
The tactic also helps you avoid making passive, meh plans,
like accepting the Saturday dinner invite from that couple you don't totally
like just because you have nothing better on tap.
Morgenstern has a formula for a blissful weekend: PEP
(physical, escape, people).
In other words, a mix of physical activities that energize
you, escapist activities that relax you and people who inspire you.
"It's a good framework for putting together weekends
that leave you happy," she says. Not to mention entire happier weeks.
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